ugh
...written on Friday, Apr. 06, 2007, @ 10:18 PM

Okay so it's been almost a year since I've updated. I'm still with Dan but we broke up for a while. During that time I rebounded back to Justin. Dan and I are giving it another go though. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. (I know he doesnt read this. Hell no one reads this thing anymore). So here goes.

I love him. I love him. I love him so so so much. I look at him and I know I could never leave him. But I also have another feeling... I dont trust him. I dont trust a thing he does or says. There was a time when every word he said meant so much. He would tell me how he felt and I believed every word. That felt wonderful. That was what had been missing from all my other relationships. Now, everything he says I take with a grain of salt. I find myself questioning his motivations. I want to believe him. I want to love him whole heartedly again. But I can't, and it's killing me. I don't have faith in him not to fuck things up. I dont trust him not to do something stupid and ruin everything.

I find myself daydreaming about all the ways he could cheat on me again or hurt me. It's like I'm planning how I would react so when it does happen I can minimize the embarrassment.

He did cheat on me once. It was actually something very small but the circumstances were what made it horrible. I told him that I wouldnt break up with him. I told him it would be okay. But God, has it made things awful. I feel like no amount of hugs or kisses is going to make up for it. I know if he is good to me I'll forget about it after a while. Why can't that be now?

I just want to feel complete again. I want to sit in his arms and feel content. I'm tired of competing with the outside world to feel important in his life. I'm tired of doubting myself. I'm tired of wondering if I'm pretty enough, funny enough, GOOD enough. I want to be happy. I dont want to cry randomly. I dont want to make up excuses to go home because I can't stop feeling sad.

Im leaving. For the summer that is. I want us to make plans together for August when his lease ends. Please, please, please don't let this get ruined. I need him. I need us to be US again.

wilt | bloom